· Heart & Hearth Post editors · communication · 4 min read
Stonewalling in a relationship: signs and what to do
Stonewalling means shutting down during conflict. Learn the signs, why it happens, how it differs from the silent treatment, and what helps both partners.
Stonewalling is what happens when one partner, in the middle of a conflict, stops engaging. They go quiet, look away, give one-word answers or leave. The Gottman Institute, which has studied it for decades, describes it on its stonewalling page as the listener withdrawing from the interaction and building, metaphorically, a wall between themselves and their partner.
It’s the fourth of the Institute’s Four Horsemen, alongside criticism, contempt and defensiveness, the patterns its research links to relationships breaking down. It’s also, often, the most misunderstood.
Common signs
Stonewalling can be loud or quiet, but it usually includes some of these:
- Silence or flat, minimal answers during a disagreement
- Turning away, avoiding eye contact, a blank or frozen face
- Suddenly getting busy: phone, chores, TV
- Walking out without saying why or when they’ll be back
- Changing the subject whenever a particular topic comes up
- Agreeing to anything just to end the conversation
One or two of these in a single bad moment isn’t a crisis. The concern is when withdrawal becomes the default response to conflict.
Why people stonewall
The Gottman Institute connects stonewalling to flooding, a state of physical overwhelm during conflict with a raised heart rate, stress hormones and a fight-or-flight response. On its stonewalling page, the Institute says that when someone is flooded it becomes impossible to keep discussing things in a rational and respectful way.
So for many people, stonewalling starts as self-protection. The Institute notes it often comes after the other horsemen have piled up enough negativity that withdrawing feels like the only way out, and then hardens into a habit.
The same page reports that 85% of stonewallers studied in Gottman’s Love Lab were men, and that when women stonewall, it was quite predictive of divorce in that research. Those are the Institute’s findings from its own studies; anyone of any gender can stonewall, and plenty of women do.
Stonewalling vs. taking a break
The difference is communication. A break is announced, time-limited and followed by a return:
“I’m getting overwhelmed. I need 20 minutes, and then I want to finish this.”
Stonewalling leaves the other person guessing. They don’t know if their partner is coming back, if they’re angry, or if they care. That uncertainty is what makes stonewalling so painful to be on the receiving end of.
Stonewalling vs. the silent treatment vs. abuse
These overlap in how they look but differ in what’s driving them.
| Pattern | What’s usually going on | What it feels like to the other partner |
|---|---|---|
| Stonewalling | Overwhelm during conflict; shutting down to cope | Shut out, unheard, frustrated |
| Silent treatment | Withholding contact to express anger or punish | Punished, anxious, walking on eggshells |
| Controlling silence | Part of a wider pattern of control, intimidation or threats | Afraid, isolated, unsure what will happen next |
The first is a conflict skill problem that couples can work on together. The last is not. If silences come alongside threats, monitoring, isolation from friends or family, or fear of how your partner will react, that’s a sign of abuse rather than ordinary conflict, and it calls for different help. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is free and confidential, 24/7, at 800-799-7233 or by texting START to 88788. If you’re in danger right now, call 911.
What helps if you’re the one stonewalling
- Notice your early warning signs. A racing pulse, tight jaw or the urge to escape usually comes before the shutdown.
- Say one sentence before you go. Name what’s happening and when you’ll be back.
- Take at least 20 minutes. That’s the minimum break the Gottman Institute recommends for the body to calm down.
- Soothe, don’t stew. Its suggestions include imagining a calm place, slow breathing, tensing and relaxing tight muscles, or a distracting activity like music or a walk.
- Come back when you said you would. That’s what rebuilds trust.
What helps if your partner stonewalls
- Don’t chase. Following someone who’s flooded usually increases the alarm.
- Agree on a break signal while you’re both calm. The Institute suggests choosing a word, phrase or gesture together and agreeing to honor it.
- Watch for criticism and contempt in yourself. Stonewalling often follows them. Softer openings make shutdowns less likely.
- Name it later, without blame. “When conversations get heated, you seem to disappear and I end up feeling alone. Can we figure out a way to take breaks that works for both of us?”
There’s a step-by-step version of this in the guide on how to communicate when your partner shuts down, and a set of shared ground rules in how to fight fair.
When to get help
If stonewalling has become the way every disagreement ends, a couples counselor can help both of you see the cycle and practice breaking it. Withdrawal that shows up all the time, not only during conflict, can also point to depression or burnout and is worth raising with a doctor.
This page is general information, not therapy. If either of you is struggling emotionally, you can call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.